||[Nov. 19th, 2012|02:28 pm]
Ideal selves versus actual selves. |
Seeing a picture of myself from 2007, I don't even recognize the guy. Seeing him as someone else I get the urge to beat him up.
I then understand how all those bullies in grade school felt when they looked at me. It was just a reflex, probably.
Today I am a lot better looking and acting, but still not someone I want to be. I still have a ways to go to improve myself.
I see my reflection and I mutter to myself how I hate that guy. I became aware of how I do this the other day. I'm telling my reflection how I hate it, as if that person is somebody else that just won't leave me alone, that I can't do anything about. As if being haunted by an annoying ghost.
Is that healthy to displace yourself like that? I'm not accepting that I'm that person, it's someone else. Is that healthy? Is that normal? Why do I still loathe myself?
Then again, what's so bad about loathing yourself? I think it strange when someone is in love with their self. To not criticize anything about yourself, to only be positive about every aspect of yourself doesn't seem very healthy or normal to me. So why is it I feel I need to love everything about me? I don't need to, and if you say I should then you're an idiot. I'm going to aspire to be something greater than myself, there's nothing wrong in that. In fact, that sounds right to me. It sounds like a great goal to have.
I'll look at myself int he mirror and say to myself "not good enough" and work harder to get where I want to be, who I want to be. Use that reflection to motivate me to work harder at the gym, motivate me to be even more out going in social situations. That has been the year I've worked towards.
I'm still not good enough, and I never will be. I never will fully accept who I am, what I am. I will always try to work hard towards perfecting what I could be, knowing full well that perfection does not exist.
I will find happiness and contentment in my pursuit to be a better Bob.
In the past I allowed people to sway me from that path. They convinced me for a time that I should not work hard to be a better me, that I should give up because what I am is already perfect and I needed to learn to love what I had.
I would rather work hard and mold it into something I find more desirable than to learn to love the lump of clay plopped on my table.
Bawled like a baby at Wreck-it-Ralph. That movie hit deep with issues of self worth versus other peoples' perception of your worth.
Glitches, man. I have what some people would call defects. And I like some of those defects. Keep the things you like about yourself, work hard at fixing the parts you don't. Try and perfect the things you do like about yourself, destroy what you don't.
Self loathing doesn't sound so bad now, does it? It's all how you spin it. And I spin it in a positive direction. There's no sense in accepting what you are if you don't like it because other people tell you you're supposed to. You CAN try to change what you hate. Otherwise you'll just be stuck with that fake smile people told you to put on. You can't learn to love something, you have to work to make it into something you can love. Love isn't something you learn. If someone tells you that they're delusional or a liar.